This is a new series I felt I needed to start here. The concept dawned on me after a “healing from trauma” series we have been exploring at my church: Trinity, Nakuru.
Full disclaimer: The story here is a personal one that is difficult to share. However, by sharing, I hope that it resonates with you. And through it, helps you find the courage to unearth the darkness from your past and heal from it, if there’s any. Please also note that none of the names used here are the actual names of the people involved.
Nearly every single person I have met has a dark tale to share. Yet, even while going through it alone, we wish we knew of someone else out there with a similar experience. Someone who has overcome it, or still trying to.
This is my reason. I hope it becomes your reason too.
Going Back to the Start
I remember running my fingers down my brother's penis when I was 8, asking for it, begging him to have sex with me. I wonder if at age 10 a boy's penis can get hard.
I'd only just found out about sex when my neighbourhood friends told me they saw a couple kissing at their wedding. "Let's play the game too!" They said. So, Daniel and I kissed, while my brother and Lucy kissed too.
We liked this game because Daniel and I had sex some days later. I was much younger, then, six maybe, Daniel, a few months older. Oh, his penis definitely didn't get hard.
When I think about these memories, they don't disgust me per se. It's like a game called, "che baba, che mama" we used to play back then (pretending to be mothers and fathers, in other words.) Cooking, nursing babies... Funny how most of the things we did were “woman” duties but I digress.
You've probably heard about the post-election violence in Kenya in 2007-2008. Well, my family had to move into our family friend's home for safety. There, I met Angela. She's probably three or four years older than me. Definitely knew a ton about sex. Yes, we're still talking about underage sex.
So Angela tells my brother and me about a sex game. I'd go on top of Angela, move over her so our vaginas touch. Then my brother would take the next turn on top of Angela. I wonder if he was hard then.
Then, It Happened.
My brother was definitely hard when he came into my room a few years later. The first time he asked me if I wanted to play the sex game like we used to. Then he heard something in the living room, panicked and ran.
I lay still as a rock, wondering if he was going to come back, or if I should call out to my parents. I hadn't made up my mind when he returned, held me down, and put his penis inside of me.
Now that I think about it, this is the first time in all my years of experience playing sex I felt something force itself inside of me. It happened for a mere few seconds before he panicked and ran out again.
He didn't return to my room that day.
One Last Story
My teacher, who I found attractive, died in a fire. He wasn't my teacher so I didn't know him that well, but hearing about his painful passing in a fire, I wanted to die too. I remember fumbling with my tie, fastening it around my neck, hoping I'd suffocate. But people don't die from tight ties I think.
The cherry on top? I viewed his dead body at his funeral.
Knowing a person died in a fire, I bet you don't think my story sucks that much, do you? Or maybe you do. Even I would pick “messed up, but alive” any day over “dead dead, every day.”
Childhood Trauma, How it Works
I've read about trauma latching onto children's minds. That they're hard to comprehend, so they just latch on, not knowing which processing centre to go to.
I don't remember crying. Well, maybe when my brother beat me up for no reason, but that aside. Sob stories aside, I truly don't remember having a bad childhood. You wanna know why? Well because Brian, the love of my life was there.
Let me tell you about Brian. He's the love of my life. The one man I know who hasn't crossed a line with me - who despite our age difference, still replies to my late-night messages with charm and composure.
Yes. An older man can treat you right. Not all of them, my dad grabbed my breasts, my uncle grabbed my ass... I can only imagine what more people go through... But Brian? No. Never.
Even when I made it so clear I was in love.
Storms Come Crashing
So. When I had a psychotic break in my third year of college, I would often smile my way through it, picturing my life with Brian. How our kids would look like? When he was coming home?
To me.
I talked about it over and over, my parents looking back at me with worry.
How does a person going through a psychotic break behave?
I think I did okay.
But there were times I'll admit were hell. Like when I was taken to a church for deliverance. Man did I wish I could make a break for it and head so far away from that place. But they held me down. Spat on my face. Well, not quite. The pastor prayed so close to my face that I felt spit thrown at me. Apparently, I had a demon inside me, which funny story, I've had a manic episode where I sincerely believed I was Lucifer. All powerful on earth, no insecurities, no bad memories...
Bipolar, and Proud
I am a bipolar woman stuck in the past. I feel I can't move forward unless I understand why my brain behaves the way it does. I can't quite possibly exhaust a million thoughts running through my head, trying to piece it all together when I keep running into walls.
Not once did I cry when psychotic. In fact, I remember being in paradise. Once I had an orgasm just from thinking about Brian. Yes, it's true.
Perhaps I didn't want to face reality too soon. Maybe that's why my dad showed me a picture of Brian's new wife. I can remember the rage, and coming back to myself. Hey. You've never even had one date with this person. Wake up, girl!! Go get your man!!! A few days later I was me again.
Why Do Psychotic Breaks Happen?
I can't quite tell you either. I know life is messy and seemingly unfair. It's the same story for many people out there. Maybe I'm not strong enough to handle the bad. Maybe I got numb and forgot to register any more sexual assaults in college. I really don't know why my brain felt it needed a break. Don't you find it funny the word break is in “psychotic break?”
But see, before you go on that break where everyone else around you thinks you're mad, your brain makes sure to put everything in order. Your brain knows you’ll need a “life support” system while you go under.
Don't worry, we'll fetch that childhood crush for you. Feel like not talking to people for a while? Ah. We'll scare them off with a few random outbursts. Don't worry. We've got you.
I can't possibly start to describe how fascinating the brain is to me. My brain. I understand it more, but I also understand I may have a bipolar gene.
But see, my grandmother, committed suicide. My dad insists she didn't have any mental issues, just some depression the days before she passed. My dad himself is special in his own way. Keeps to himself. Literally, miles away from home. Often angry. Loud. We don't know how we can help anymore. But I now understand him more than I ever did.
And I also can't remember a time when I was more helpless.
What is Mental Health, to You?
To me, mental health sparks a wild interest in the brain. Mental illness feels like an outlier from the rest. A way I process information, memories, and feelings so it's good for my sanity, almost as if I'm in the passenger's seat.
I do experience manic and depressive episodes, but afterwards, I feel like my engines are reloaded. Like my brain just jumpstarts anew.
Wishes and Horses
If I keep going I may never stop. So I'm going to end this article with one last thing.
I've never run away from a fight. Paused from it, yes. But I always get back up stronger than before, just like the brain does, sometimes.
I know my background doesn't jump off the page. I understand what I'm up against. But I've taken on more absurd challenges that I strongly believe I can do this. I'm meant to do this.
Thank you for getting this far in the article. What’s your story? I’d love to hear! Meanwhile, you can check out our, “Every Woman Has Them, So Why Continue to Sweep It Under the Rug?” article, and let us know of any questions or concerns!