I have been a little MIA because I recently broke up with my boyfriend and decided to move back home with my parents. A girl needs home nursing and care, okay? At least for a little while or however long it takes. I'm in no rush.
Anyway, I did live with my boyfriend for around five months, and we dated for 11. Almost a whole year, ey? For my first serious relationship, I don't take 11 months lightly.
As a person, as people, we were both perfect. No, really. We were. Perfect for each other, I mean. I was this hyper-caring person, he was this chill, caring person. All you need is care for the other, among other things.
But. We never knew how to handle fights between us, which brings us to the first lesson for anyone looking to move in with their better half anytime soon.
Quick disclaimer: These are my thoughts about moving in together from personal experience as well as the knowledge I've picked up from others over the years. All opinions are my own, as always.
1. Talk about how you're going to split costs before moving in together
Money can be such a source of joy, but it can also cause pain just as much. It's usually an area people like to tip-toe around. But if you're considering moving in with your partner, make sure to hatch a plan for paying the bills and other house necessities.
You may think that you can always revise your financial responsibilities when things change in the future. But, there are people out there who will not stand for supporting an unemployed person, for instance. So, if you happen to be out of a job while living together, you may think the love of your life will support you. But they might not. Or, they may do so half-heartedly. It then becomes a painful thing for them that causes a rift between you, sometimes even without knowing.
So, make sure to hash out case scenarios. If I hate my job and want to quit, will you support me financially? What's your stand on stay-at-home dads? What if I get sick and don't have insurance for whatever reason? Are you going to be willing to pay for me out of pocket?
While on the subject, make sure to comb it down to the nitty-gritty. Hey, are you willing to buy onions for the time we'll be living together? I love onions, okay. I need them for my pilau.
Here are some examples of the financial responsibilities you'll need to think about.
PS: If you usually buy a specific thing for yourself, say perfume or custard powder. Talk about who'll be paying for it while living together. Clothes, bags, and shoes as well, especially if you're a frequent shopper. It can be a boring, sometimes agitated conversation, but it's totally worth it.
2. Talk about how you'll split house responsibilities once you move in together
Again, this is another area people can tip-toe around. Don't. Responsibilities are a major part of living together. They'll hover over you every time. Here you are, Netflix and chilling, and your stomach growls. Who's job is it to cook? Who’s is it to buy snacks? To fetch them out from the cabinets? Okay, that last one should be either of you, but you never know, maybe your partner hates to fetch things for others.
Hash out all the responsibilities you'll have and talk about how you're going to split them between you. Perhaps, you're thinking of hiring a house help? Bring it up with your partner. If you're planning to be a housewife, talk about which chores you're comfortable doing and which ones you'll need your partner to help with. Being a housewife doesn't mean handling every single thing in the house, or it can mean so, depending on your preference.
3. Talk about when you want to have kids, how many, and how you plan to raise them
Some couples who move in together may end up breaking up simply because they have different values and ways to raise their kids. This is relationship 101, and much less a moving-in-together conversation, but I wanted to put it out there in case you haven't already had that conversation.
4. Avoid cost-sharing household furniture and appliances (except the ones you'll be using during your time together)
The truth is, not every couple that moves in together stays together. So, if ever you need to split up, you don't want a case of arguing about who needs to take the couch and who can keep the air fryer. You want to buy specific household items by yourself. Your partner can buy the refrigerator, for example, while you buy the cooker. When you move out, simply take with you what's yours. Make sure to hash it down to the small but necessary items like curtains.
Also, while some partners can be comfortable leaving you the curtains they bought, don't assume or expect that they will because they love you. Some couples, when breaking up, can barely stand each other. They might leave with their saucepans and stuff, which is totally okay if they paid for it.
Now, you have household necessities that are put up in the house. Stuff you'll both make use of during your time together. It doesn't make sense for one partner to foot the bill for it when you'll both be using it for your time together, does it? Ideally, this is anything that you can't move out with. Like, TV mounting, I guess? Or wifi installation? They matter too.
5. Don't go to bed angry
Yeah. Yeah. It sounds boring hearing it from married couples. But there's a reason it's become a kind of mantra for healthy relationships.
There's a kind of hate that manifests through the night, whether sleeping right next to someone you're currently madly furious about or sleeping in the guest room wondering why you even love this person.
Here's a thought. Go out to where they are and insist that you need to talk. And try to make sure that you both come to some kind of resolution before going to bed.
For that to happen, you both must be willing to compromise. Because not everyone will come out of a fight a winner. It's not about winning or losing an argument, but rather hearing out the other person and empathizing with where they're coming from.
If you love this person, I'm sure you can also find it within you to understand them. And if they're in the wrong, make an effort to help them see why they are. Of course, always be respectful.
6. Communicate
You'll be surprised how happier you'll be when you communicate your feelings to your partner. If something doesn't sit right with you, bring it up with your partner respectfully. If you change your mind about living together, speak up. Maybe you rushed into things and may be better living separately. It's totally okay to admit that you made a mistake and find a way forward to fix it.
Also, you want to communicate with your partner about your movements. If you'll be running late, say so. Relationship 101, but no harm in putting it out there. It goes hand in hand with hosting people over. Some partners are okay with bringing your friends over. Others, not so much. While others prefer a certain frequency or won't allow the opposite gender to stay over. Make sure to hash this out before moving in together.
In the same line of things people forget to communicate, you may like to have your house looking and feeling a certain way. You may like peace and quiet. Or like LED lights splattered all across your bedroom. Communicate!
There's no shortage of things you need to communicate because people can't read minds, and the only way to be happy is to let the other person know what makes you happy.
7. Do it before you're told
Sounds elementary school-ish, but the joy of living together is in a house that runs on its own. No smart home appliances or anything, but make sure to handle your part of the deal before it becomes a nuisance to your partner.
Also, you'll find plenty of responsibilities you may not have anticipated. Like cleaning out the drain. Or wiping the sinks. Some of these things you may have forgotten to explicitly state who'll be handling them. So, try to, well, handle them before being told to.
8. Be nice
Just because it's your job to take out the garbage doesn't mean your partner can't help you take them out. Okay. Let's get a better example. Just because it's your job to cook doesn't mean you always have to cook.
It's exciting to try out your partner's meals or switch the menu up. And instead of telling your partner, hey, why not make me some ice cream today? You can surprise them with homemade ice cream! Cooking can be fun. Never let your meals get boring! Or maybe I just love food too much.
When you're done cooking, especially if you're the messy type, make sure to wipe down the surfaces. It's totally rude to cook and leave the mess for your partner to clean.
Lastly, dusting off surfaces. Cobwebs. The type of cleaning you do monthly or yearly. Having one person do general cleaning can be exhausting for them. It's fun doing it together. You can make it fun.
Just a few two cents about moving in together. I don't know everything, of course. So, please do share your two cents as well. Meanwhile, check out our "Before You Move Out for the First Time On Your Own, Read This Piece" article, and let us know of any questions or concerns.