Before we dive in...
I remember watching a video of a woman recording herself while going through a hyper manic episode, and I thought, wow, that's so clever! Also, many comments would say how they could piece together most of what she was saying. For a good chunk of the video, she would jump from one random thought to another. Her mind was racing, and she spoke out loud what she was thinking as they happened in real-time. So so cool!
I would have loved to do the same for you guys, but honestly, my behaviour was nothing short of embarrassing, haunting, hilarious, insane, charming, uhm, frightening, etc. I'm sure you can see why I am happy not to have a recording of me in that state out there. My brother has ever sent me a short recording while manic, and I was beyond furious with him! So, I'm afraid I shall not be posting any recordings for you, now or in the future if there are any I make or find out about. Audio, inclusive.
Moving on. I could describe it. But tbh, it's rather difficult to piece it all together. I know, I could just write as randomly as the words and actions I do happened to me. But it's so difficult to put it down on paper. Trust me, I've tried. And not just because some things are embarrassing to put out there, but simply because to write, I need to understand, and most of the things I do and say, I barely understand!
So, you know what I'll do. I'll tell you those things. I'll list it down for you. That's the best I can do: list the things I do and say so maybe they can help someone understand themselves or others around them with bipolar, keeping in mind that no two bipolar mates experience the same things, and consequently, use the same therapy/medication etc.
Enough jibber jabber. Let's go...
10+ Things I Do and Say During Hypermania
1. I behave like a child.
- I cannot speak comprehensibly. I cannot pronounce words the right way. I sometimes learn to spell words I already know. Then, remember how to say them minutes later.
- I cannot feed myself. I hate food. I hate water. I hate to eat or drink. But I occasionally like sweet things like soda.
I have to eat, don't I? So, my mom feeds me. But, I spit some of the porridge or medicine out. Like a child. All over myself and stuff. I know I'm an adult. But my brain is a bitch.
- I am unable to move. I cannot lift myself up. I cannot lift my hand to grab something. Scratch that. I cannot lift a finger.
When I'm like this, my mom, bless her heart, comes to help, often to feed me or carry me to where I need to go.
These scenarios usually happen for a short while, say a few minutes that feel like forever, and then I can feel myself again.
2. I gravitate toward pet animals like dogs, fish, etc. I think I can understand them. I can communicate with them. I play around with them... like a child.
3. I sing. I like to sing or hum, even when I'm not going through an episode.
4. I have nasty migraines that hit me at the worst of times.
5. I get so cold. Freezing cold. Then, I get so hot. Steaming hot. Alternating fevers. Sometimes, I feel hot, but my hands are cold like ice.
6. I feel like I'm dying. My head is heavy. I let it fall and feel like I'm breathing my last. For this reason, I hate going to sleep. So, I'll try to stay awake as much as I can until I inevitably grow too tired and pass out.
7. I am fascinated by colours. Like, I can't begin to tell you how much. Mostly blue, yellow, red, and black. Oh, and white. Anytime I see those colours, I get excited, afraid, or sad, depending on the colours.
8. I am fascinated by words. Letters mostly. The letter V. I often associate it with burn, flame, and fire.
9. I remember significant moments in my life. The good, the bad, the worst. I sometimes say them out loud. The next morning, I try to forget I ever brought them up.
10. I like obsessing over a boy. And let's leave it at that.
11. I cry. A lot. I laugh. A lot, too. And I also stare blankly into space, as do adulting people like you do.
12. I like to do chemical experiments using the aquarium. Glue. Chalk dust. Panadol. Sprite. Etc. The fish are alive, thank you.
Most of these things happened on November 21, 2023, from around 5:30 pm to around 9:00 pm when I slept. I usually sleep at around that time, so probably my body clocking out.
But, generally, don't think too much of it. I certainly don't. If there are things you don't understand, move on. Spend too much time thinking of them, and you can go mad.
Also, I know my list makes it so everything on it happens every time I am manic.
But, November 21st was the first time I experienced the type of mania I used to have at my parent's house, where it wasn't just me and my thoughts, but rather, actually speaking my thoughts out loud to an audience and doing weird, crazy stuff.
It's also the first time I remember everything that happened too clearly. The previous times I can hardly remember. Great times for sure.
If you have bipolar or any other mental illness. Or, if you suspect you may be going through something you don't understand, I'm always free to chat! Shoot me an email here. Remember though, only a professional psychiatrist can tell you if there's anything to be treated and what steps to take. A therapist, on the other hand, can help you process things, as do family and friends.
Lastly, although bipolar is a lifelong disease with no permanent treatment, it can be manageable to the point of living a healthy, long, and fulfilling life. Hypermanic and hypomanic episodes do come and go. But they often last from several minutes to a couple of hours. Afterward, you're as good as new.
Cheers!